I figured I'd return to livejournal because at least here, it makes sense when no one reads anything. Um, I feel really selfish for saying this since I've lost three very dear people to me recently-two within less than two months of each other and one in October, but life fucking sucks right now. Emphasis on right now. I'm so poor it's ridiculous, but at least my bank account is in the positive. I'm trying to be optimistic; I know life will get better, it's just that I thought it had. I guess there's always the calm before the storm and you have to hit rock bottom before you realize the important things in life, but I've already hit rock bottom, more times than once and every time I seem to be fighting my way back up to the top, it's like something else knocks me down. I'm still holding on to the little piece of hope that God loves me enough not to force me to live in this mess forever. I am thankful for my family (including my dogs), my friends (even the ones who have stopped coming around), and each breath I get to take (though I'd like to have some breaths taken with ease, instead of feeling like each one is a fight). I hope things are better for all of y'all.
So...I got a tattoo. It's a lady bug on my lower back and it's representative of a very strong memory I have of my dad before he died. Therefore I feel good having it, because it has a very important meaning to me and my mom can't get too mad...even if she did, what would she do? My sister told her that I got a nose stud, but my sister said nose ring to which my mom replied "What? Oh my God, one piercing on the face is enough." But apparently she's not too pissed. Anyway, I've been bonding with my long board ever since my bike seat got stolen; however, when I move, it makes my backpack rub against my shirt which rubs against the tattoo and that does not feel very good. The guy who did it was soooo nice and soooo sweet and I gave him like a 40% tip because I was so terrified and now i want another one 0:)
Last night was possibly the worst night I've had in a while. I feel like I did something wrong with/to everyone except no one will tell me what I did so I'm terrified to do/say anything for fear of doing whatever I did before.
I thought yesterday would be okay, you know? I hate that. And I'm not even hyper-emotional, I'm at my most reasonable state.
And on top of "relation" issues, I have other issues that are going on too and it's all piling up together and I'm so upset, and so confused, and so angry at myself for whatever I did that I'm not sure how to feel or what to do. And all I want to do is scream and cry but I don't do that, and I've "not done that" for such a long time in regards to emotions that I think I've forgotten how. So like a carbonated drink that's been shaken as much as it can without exploding, I'll sit and wait until the explosions go away and hope that no one will drink from me until I've regained some form of composure.
Dear drama, You are making things difficult. Please remove yourself from me and others for that matter. Thank you.